Relationship violence is a pattern of harmful and abusive behaviors within the context of a relationship. Relationships can include those between intimate partners and those within families. This is why relationship violence is also referred to as domestic violence, dating violence, and intimate partner violence. People of any gender, sexuality, age, economic status, and other identity factors can be impacted by various forms of relationship violence.
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Relationship violence is a pattern of behaviors used by a person in a domestic or intimate (i.e., dating) relationship to gain or maintain power and control over another person in the relationship. Abusive behaviors are not limited to physical violence and can include acts that intimidate, manipulate, or control a person or otherwise force them to behave in ways they don’t want to.
Here are some common forms of abuse used in relationship violence:
- Physical abuse
- Definition: Physical abuse is the use or threat of using physical violence to cause bodily harm or death to someone.
- Acts: Slapping, punching, kicking, etc.; pulling your hair; choking or strangling you; throwing items at you; threatening or using weapons against you; threatening or harming your pets; driving recklessly with you in the car; trapping you in your home or preventing you from leaving
- Learn more about physical abuse (External Site)
- Emotional and verbal abuse
- Definition: Emotional and verbal abuse involve non-physical behaviors that are used to control, isolate, or frighten someone, aimed at undermining their mental and emotional well-being.
- Acts: Calling you names, insulting you, or constantly criticizing you; embarrassing or humiliating you, especially in front of others; accusing you of cheating or blaming you for their own cheating; acting jealous or possessive of you; trivializing your needs and feelings; gaslighting you; threatening to harm themselves if you end the relationship
- Learn more about emotional abuse (External Site)
- Sexual and reproductive coercion
- Definition: Sexual coercion is behaviors that pressure and control the physical and sexual intimacy in a relationship, and reproductive coercion is threats or violence toward reproductive health or decision-making.
- Acts: Holding you down, restraining you, or strangling you during sex without your consent; involving other people in your sexual activities against your will; forcing you to watch or to make pornography; refusing, removing (stealthing), or intentionally breaking protection during sex or preventing you from using it; forcing you to get an abortion or preventing you from getting one; threatening to tell family or friends about receiving an abortion; making you feel guilty for not having or wanting children with them
- Learn more about sexual coercion (External Site) and reproductive coercion (External Site)
- Financial abuse
- Definition: Financial abuse occurs when someone controls another’s access to financial resources, limiting their financial independence and decision-making.
- Examples: Taking money you earned from you and controlling where you spend it; monitoring your spending and yelling at you for every purchase; affecting your ability to work, such as causing you to be consistently late or other issues that could get you fired; receiving your public assistance check and refusing to give it to you
- Learn more about financial abuse (External Site)
- Digital abuse
- Definition: Digital abuse is the use of technologies such as texting and social networking to bully, harass, stalk, or intimidate someone.
- Examples: Telling you who you can or can’t be friends with on social media; using social media and other sites to keep constant tabs on you; monitoring or looking through your phone frequently; sending you unwanted, explicit photos or videos or pressuring you into sending them; texting, calling, emailing, or messaging you constantly
- Learn more about digital abuse (External Site)
- Stalking
- Definition: Stalking is repeated and unwanted attention, harassment, contact, or any other behavior directed at someone to cause them to feel fearful, distressed, threatened, or harassed.
- Examples: Sending you threatening or harassing texts, emails, or other messages; monitoring your activities in person or online; showing up repeatedly at your home, school, or workplace; sending you unwelcome items or gifts
- Learn more about stalking
If you are interested in campus-specific definitions of relationship violence, see the University of Maine System’s Policy Manual Section 402 (External Site).
While domestic violence and dating violence (also called intimate partner violence) share similarities and the terms are often used interchangeably, there are differences between these forms of abuse. In general, the distinction between domestic violence and dating violence is their scope:
- Nature of relationship
- Domestic violence: Occurs within a broader familial (i.e., domestic) unit where individuals live together in a shared residence. Typically defined as abuse between current or former spouses or civil partners, or individuals who share a child; can also involve children, family members, or other individuals who are currently or formerly living in the shared residence.
- Dating violence: Occurs within a dating or intimate relationship, typically but not always of a sexual nature, regardless of whether the partners are married or living together.
- Setting of abuse
- Domestic violence: Often occurs in the shared residence of the individuals involved, though the signs of abuse can be seen in other settings such as at work, school, etc.
- Dating violence: Can occur in various settings, such as during dates, at social events, or in any place where the individuals spend time together, including at either partner’s residence.
Laws and legal consequences for domestic and dating violence may vary depending on definitions set by the state or jurisdiction. For information, see Maine state legislature Title 17-A, Chapter 9 (External Site).
If you are interested in campus-specific definitions of domestic and dating violence, see the University of Maine System’s Policy Manual Section 402.
Although each relationship is unique, there are common signs that may suggest abusive behavior. These may vary in intensity and frequency, and the presence of one or more does not necessarily confirm abuse in a relationship.
Here are some signs that you or someone you know may have experienced relationship violence:
- Physical injuries: Bruises, cuts, sprains, or broken bones with inconsistent or vague explanations; wearing makeup or unusual clothing for the season or setting to conceal injuries
- Emotional and psychological changes: New or worsening anxiety, mood swings, and other unusual changes in behavior
- Anxiety symptoms: Increased fear and anxiety, particularly when around the abuser or when talking about the abuser
- Mood changes: Increased irritability or anger; fatigue or lack of energy; seeming more sad, tearful, or numb; sleeping too much or too little
- Self image: Low self-esteem or feelings of worthlessness; lack of interest in usual hobbies or activities
- Self-harm or suicidal ideation: Engaging in self-harming behaviors or having thoughts of self-harm or suicide
- Substance use: Using or increasing use of alcohol or drugs as a way of self-medicating, forgetting about trauma, or surviving the relationship
- Jealousy: Experiencing extreme possessiveness or jealousy from the abuser, especially of friends or time spent away from the abuser, including at work or school
- Lack of control: Being unable to take actions or make decisions freely; being threatened or intimidated by the abuser; having access to financial resources restricted or taken away by the abuser; having employment or education sabotaged by the abuser
- Isolation and manipulation: Being isolated from family, friends, or support networks; being forced to depend on the abuser for basic necessities such as food, shelter, medication, or transportation; feeling discouraged from engaging in social activities, especially without the abuser present
- Stalking and surveillance: Feeling like or being watched by the abuser in person or online; having the abuser show up unexpectedly at work, school, etc.; receiving unwanted communication from the abuser in person or online
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger or needs urgent assistance, call 911 or the Maine Coalition to End Domestic Violence (External Site) at 1-866-834-4357 for help.
Supporting someone who has been impacted by relationship violence should be done with care, empathy, and respect for their choices, including the choice to stay in their relationship. It’s important to remember that leaving an abuser can be extremely dangerous and may not be the safest action at a given time.
Here are some ways you can provide support to someone impacted by relationship violence:
- Listen and believe: Start by actively listening. Offer a nonjudgmental and safe space for them to share their experiences. Believe what they are saying and validate their experiences and feelings. Don’t blame them or question their choices.
- Express concern: Let them know you are concerned for their well-being and safety. Point to specific instances or areas of concern if you’re able to. Use “I” statements to express your observations and feelings without blaming them for their situation.
- Respect their choices: Understand that leaving an abuser can be complex, challenging, and even dangerous. Empower them to make choices that are safest for their situation, then respect their decisions.
- Provide resources: Offer information about available resources, such as their campus Confidential Resource Advisor, local domestic violence support center, etc. Remember you are not expected to be the expert. Allow them to decide if and when they want to access these resources. Help them access these resources if they need additional support.
- Encourage safety planning: Encourage them to create a safety plan that includes steps to take in case of immediate danger, a plan for leaving if they choose to do so, and contact information for support services. Connect them with a trained advocate, such as their campus Confidential Resource Advisor or local domestic violence support center, who can assist them with planning.
- Offer practical assistance: Ask if there are specific ways you can help with tasks and logistics, such as providing transportation or childcare.
- Respect their privacy: Maintain their confidentiality. Do not share their story or experiences without their explicit consent. Remember that there may be people in their life who are close with their abuser, including family members, mutual friends, and coworkers, and discussing the relationship with others can put them at further risk.
- Be patient: Be patient and supportive as they navigate their relationship and the effects of trauma. Recognize that an abuse tactic can be isolating them and making them feel like no one will believe them or provide help. Respect that it may take time for them to open up or take action, and let them know you are available whenever they are ready.
- Encourage self care: Remind them to prioritize self care. Suggest activities that bring them comfort, and offer to engage in these activities together.
- Check in: Regularly check in with them to see how they are doing and if they need any support. Let them know you are still there for them. Ask the them how they feel the safest being contacted and use that medium to contact them. Some abusers monitor their victims’ phones, social media accounts, or other forms of digital communication.
- Educate yourself: Learn about the impacts of relationship violence and trauma. Keep up to date on the various resources available. Prepare yourself to better understand and support the person who has experienced relationship violence.
The key to supporting someone is not about fixing their situation or relationship but being there for the person in a compassionate and understanding way. This can be challenging when you recognize abusive signs that they don’t or won’t acknowledge, or when you want them to take actions that they won’t or aren’t ready to take.
Supporting someone who has experienced relationship violence can be emotionally difficult. Seek your own support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist if needed. You can also connect with your campus Confidential Resource Advisor or an advocate at your local domestic violence support center for additional support.
Additional Resources
University of Maine System Title IX
For sexual harassment, sexual assault, dating violence, domestic violence, stalking, and sexual misconduct at the University of Maine
Liz Lavoie, Title IX Coordinator
207-581-5866 | titleix@maine.edu
Maine Coalition to End
Domestic Violence
For domestic abuse, dating abuse, stalking, and sex trafficking in the state of Maine
24/7 Helpline: 1-866-834-4357